First one is from: Gerald Strachota <straw87 at hotmail.com>
A fellow had a cuckoo clock for many years. The clock was always going "Tic,Tic,Tic,Tic, " instead of "Tic,Tock,Tic,Tock." Obviously this just would not do.
He took it to an old Swiss clockmaker who had a heavy German accent.
After being told of the problem, the clockmaker took a flashlight, shined it into the face of the clock, and in a threatening tone of voice, told the clock,
"Ve have vays of making you tock!"
Training Courses Now Available for Men
Suddenly Resuming Single Status
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
7. Accepting Loss II:
If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options:
Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Half-time
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix Everything
Statistics Explain Why I'm Drowsy
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
Subject: Military Intelligence Computer bug
An Email Message we received recently:
You have just received the Military Intelligence computer bug. Because of our small budget from Congress, and no programming experience, we can no longer afford to plant bugs in your house and have to hereby use a bug via computer called tellus.exe, but we are not allowed to spam. Therefore, this bug works on the honor system.
Install tellus.exe in your computer. It will copy all illegal files, and incriminating data from your hard drive onto a diskette. Please mail a copy of it to us at your expense and send this bug to everybody on your mailing list that we might be interested in. Thank you for your cooperation.
The MI Computer Investigative Department